19 Comments

    1. Firstly, thank for reading it – it means so much, and to have your wonderful feed back makes me very happy. The story does have a slow start but i do think that once the crow like figure appears it takes flight from there. I look forward to reading more of your stories. Thx. 🙂

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  1. I shall have to return and re-read. Got a bit lost in the fairy tale and it does not lend itself well to my usual speed-reading style. What I find most appealing is your use of words; your impeccable manipulation of the language. A rare find these days. Lots to read here.

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  2. As a reader – exquisite use of language. Thoroughly enjoyed. Immersed myself very quickly.
    As a writer – needs some words removing – not the long ones, but the short ones in-between. Read about ‘deep point of view’ and you may see what I mean (example: NOT deep POV – Bobby felt the pain shooting up her leg and wondered if she was going to die today. Deep POV – The pain shot up her leg. This was it. Death loomed near.) Link: http://rebeccazanetti.com/writing-craft/deep-point-of-view/ but look at other sources too.
    Thanks for sharing Lily – appreciate your craft. 🙂

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    1. Robert, thanks for your time, and the constructive feedback. I agree with you, it needs so much more work. It’s the only real full story that I’ve written and am still very excited about it (since Nov 15). It does labour under the descriptions to breaking point, and not unlike the decadent style, but without barely any depth, its very highly superficial . But there is time for that, yet.

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      1. The lush adjectives are (gorgeously) fine, it’s the connecting words that …
        It’s not superficial at all – it’s substantial on a different level. You could call light (or lustre) superficial, but really – it’s the basis of all life!

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      2. I like the idea of the constructing buildings from the ‘luster’ of jewels. How about that for originality? Superficial in that its purely descriptive, needed more layers; another story all together.

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