A Brief Insight of Communication:Effective Listening and Advising


Needs musts should s edited

 A Brief Insight of Listening and ‘Advising’.

Are you noticing, that some listeners are generally oblivious of their designated roles, that they start advising instead of listening, while involuntarily transforming into the purveyors of knowledge, and you’re their specialty. Knowing you deeplybecomes their expertise, in their shifting role from listener to adviser. Providing a wealth of ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts, alongside advising, how best to address what they have conceived as your problem?

But, the unwillingness to be, if one dares to communicate it, the subject of their inherently fraught misperceptions would make them, most certainly, bring you to heel. And, I mean, aiming a super sexy, and fatal, nail-like, stiletto, at the vulnerabilities that you tend to escape at any cost.

The listeners, whether or not they realise, the boundaries of their roles, have a misconstrued view that they should be speaking at all, when that is not the requirement of listeners. Otherwise, they would have been called upon to speak, not listen – If this sounds a bit rigid, we are talking prescriptive terms and roles.

Listeners of this type, tend to have the greater knowledge, and better opinions, even when it’s about you. Telling you what to do, and how to do it . And, they know what is best for you, better than you! 

Listeners are inclined towards finding endless suggestions to the solutions drawn from, a repository of ‘your problems’, that they have created. Neither evaluating, or verifying them, but continue layering each on top of each, and, on which building their advice, they completely stop hearing, from the racketing they are making, yet alone listening. And, tact doesn’t stop them from pulling tricks out of your problem’s box – such conjurers they are!

But in the case that there is a problem, their suggestions are, and only to them, the superior ones. They press hard in the Must adoption of their ideas, some times, turning it into a campaign, and, which is true of when there isn’t a problem, as well.

Fatal Flaw – but no hero

In the mindless approach of listeners, lies a fatal flaw, partly due to their preconceptions, and biases, mostly drawing from their unrealistic references, producing in them the compulsion to advice!

Starting usually, from the view that, there is a ‘problem’, and that they are called upon to solve it. There is a notion of self accreditation in the thinking that their brilliant advice has identified a problem, and practically solved it. Thereby, saving the friend from its impending disaster, constituting, for them, an act of heroism. And, all the while, compounding their, adviser, position, and confounding us all.

Such an attitude, is essential when laying down their advisory role, which happens to be self appointed, since a listener is called upon to listen.

Empathetic is their character. They are always sporting a pointed finger, accompanying the shoulds, musts and needs, having you follow that finger around the room, then expecting that you should, must and need to act on the point of it’s emphasises.

But, the real disaster comes from a gentle attempt at closing the discussion, yet alone the inept advice, if that’s what it can be called, resulting usually in very amusing dénouements, such as this:

You’re so difficult. You don’t listen! What’s the point of trying to help you.?”

I’m sure this chimes with you. Are you an adviser or listener? (;-)

Summer BreezPhototastic-20_04_2016_620c1d1a-8df8-4649-b1ba-65f2e64a557dis and


  1. There are times when I should read, and remain silent in my agreement with you. This is one of them; most excellent, Lily!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Long ago and far away… in another life… I ended a pointless “advice” session (to me) with this: I know you believe you understand what you think I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

    When a conversation, and relationship, reach that point, it’s time to abandon ship.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. you’re so sweet. I’m flattered, and thank you again I look forward to visiting your posts again, with feed back. :-)). I read part of your dream works, and later on I shall finish it, due to time constrains…sounds very interesting the meeting of the self from the self’s point of view

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, we rarely do that.. Isn’t it..
        An very glad that you still remember what I wrote.. Pls take your time…
        And pls do take care 🙂 🙂 !!


  3. Some people just do not realise that by simply listening (and sometimes asking the right questions, but not too many at a time) they actually enable you to solve the problem yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m trying to teach myself, in regards to my wife’s entangled elocutions, to just hear her. Rarely is my advice, spontaneously offered, valued. When she does, eventually, say the words, “What do you think?” I now pause and wonder, “Is this my cue? Or a trap?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it is hard to hear sometimes (on all sides), and i often wonder, too, if it’s my ‘cue’ or another path i don’t want to walk, when deliberating how to respond or handle conversation with a certain person, who only has one view and one form of action, that they are so predictable…. thanks for your comment Anony,

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just spent 4 weeks on volunteer work with a large group of people who only have one view to cover all aspects of their life. Since I had been raised in that one view and had finally realized it was a dead end, this was like walking though a cemetery reading the name on the stones (name tags) and nothing to say short of, nice day, how are you, good morning, good evening… Any other view I could have explored with any of them could not be addressed: it wasn’t on the menu. As the gambler reminds us, we have to know when to hold, know when to fold, know when to walk away. I think walking away smiling is the best way to handle these situations. When we know we have encountered the closed mind it is foolish to seek dialogue. It is equally foolish to expect any understanding if the other is only listening to find a way to put himself in your picture, or throw in the unsolicited advice. Advice is usually the other’s way to eschew responsibility…


      2. So right, Sha’tara, it is foolish to expect understanding and/or appreciation of you’r view, but advice always comes even when yiu say stop. Thx for stopping by. Apart fr the closed minds, hopd you enjoyed ur time volinteering. Do u ever travel to the uk?


  5. I’m of those who choose not to travel on the physical level – too busy on the etheric highways and I trust no one, particularly with a uniform and at a border crossing! If I were a Jewess I would know not to cross into Germany in 1938. I have no passport. The only “travel” I do is when someone needs me, then I go, providing it’s within my province, or country. My work used to take me to international airports and when I saw the humiliating process the sheeple must endure to get on a plane I was dumbstruck. One week, just one week of total boycott of airport security, no one showing up, would put an end to the bullshit. People are so stupid.


    1. I rarely travel for fear of flying and crossing oceans and hate boarders too for the reasons you mention. But I’m going to drive thro’ france and spain to morocco next week or so, and i’m afraid of getting lost this time….. i just can’t win.x


  6. Think of it this way: Europe is too small to get lost in! OK, well, I’m used to traveling Canadian style distances and sameness. You could drive all day across Alberta-Saskatchewan and parts of Manitoba and if it was cloudy and uniformly grey, you could be going in the wrong direction for hours and not be aware of it. Actually happened to friends of mine while on their honeymoon! France is easy: find someone and ask, “Je suis ou, ici?” Spain, let me think, “Ola! Con tu permiso, donde estoy?” 🙂


  7. It was a funny true story. John had been driving. They stopped for gas (petrol?) and she offered to drive for a while while he slept. As I said, uniformly grey day and when she turned onto the highway, she went west instead of east. When he woke up, he said, ‘Didn’t we pass this old barn this morning?’ and sure enough, she’d been driving back over their way for 3 hours! Every honeymoon needs a good, real story.

    Liked by 1 person

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